There’s no getting around the connection between these two. The connection between grief and food is often cultural, and in our culture it is often overlooked. Initially, the neighborly or church meal train may be there to help. But initially is when most grievers have no appetite. Throats are constricted and food tastes like cardboard. Then, when the casseroles stop coming and appetites pick up all one wants to eat is comfort food (carbs and sweets), which help in small measure to keep the loneliness at bay.
Food is just part of the problem—it’s also the empty chair across from you, the lack of discussion of what to have for the next meal, the favorite restaurant that you now avoid but also long for. Even going to the market may be a reminder of your great loss.
The support groups that I used to facilitate had a tradition around the holidays, which was to bring a dish your loved one either loved or detested and to share the story around that dish. (Since I was “in charge” I banned liver and cottage cheese.) It was a wonderful time of remembering with laughter and tears.
Especially for a grieving spouse, the disruption of shared meals is a constant reminder of their absence. There was a lovely young woman in my widow’s group who began inviting friends over for dinner. Her husband had been the chef in the family and she was just learning to cook. It provided her with a way to fill her kitchen with supportive and appreciative voices. We marveled at the energy it took to do this.
More people are recognizing the need for communal support. The Dinner Party is for 20 and 30-somethings who have experienced the loss of a parent, partner, child, sibling, close friend or family member. “We know what it’s like to lose someone and we aren’t afraid to talk about it.” Bravo for this group. They apparently have one in Santa Barbara and one in San Jose. See thedinnerparty.org for more information.
Also, check into CulinaryGriefTherapy.com for another resource. I’m not sure if this unique support group is in your area but it sounds practical and supportive.
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